The Black Phoenix Horoscope
Brought to you by the enigmatic earth spirit in the shape of an oversized tabby cat known as Ed.
Phoenix: January 20 – February 18
Ask any paranormal creature in the world who is their favorite rock n’ roll band and they’ll tell you the same thing. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not REO Speedwagon. It’s a band from Georgia called Radio Cult. They rock so hard; Satan worships them. I know werewolf packs that worship lead guitarist Bambi Lynn, and zombies who look like bassist Ricky Zhero. My challenge for you this month is to emulate Radio Cult and try to be as awesome as they are or go see them perform. Or you could do both. Both would be good.
Thirsty Bat: February 19 – March 20
A great number of werewolves play professional sports. Even in human form, they have superhuman strength and abilities, which gives them an unfair advantage on the playing field. In other words, they cheat. But professional athletes cheat all the time. All. The. Time. In case you’re wondering, Tom Brady is not a werewolf. He’s a douchebag, but he’s not a werewolf. This month I give you permission to cheat. Not a lot, just a little bit. Cheat a little bit on your diet. Cheat a little bit on your taxes. Don’t cheat on your spouse, not even a little bit. Find something to cheat on just enough to give you a little extra thrill.
Drunken Ogre: March 21 – April 19
This month, you will discover that one of your co-workers is a werewolf. This will answer so many questions you had about that co-worker.
Bull Dyke: April 20 – May 20
The Possum Kingdom Ramblers do an excellent cover of the song, “Godzilla.” I’ve never met Godzilla. Mutual friends have told me that he has a drinking problem. Why do I keep talking about him? He’s going to get stinking drunk this month and accidentally crush your car with his giant foot. What can I say? Godzilla happens.
Doppelganger: May 21 – June 20
Beware! An ogre will ask you what time it is. He doesn't really want to know. Ogres just like to mess with people. They're so fucking evil.
Bloated Tick: June 21 – July 22
Which paranormal creatures are the best dancers? If you said vampire, then you're right. If you said didn't say vampire, then you're wrong. Something about being undead loosens up a person's inhibitions and they can really shake it without breaking it. This month, dance like a vampire. Raise your arms in the air like you just don't care. Once you get your body moving freely, then your mind will follow.
Jeff’s Hot Mom: July 23 – August 22
I knew a witch who loved the game where you add the words "in bed" to the end of any fortune cookie fortune. She loved it so much that she added the words "in bed" to the end all the magic spells she created. This soon presented a problem. She couldn't cast a spell unless she was literally in her bed. Or someone's bed. It didn't have to be her own. It gave a whole new meaning to the idea that in bed is where the magic happens. The witch eventually dropped the "in bed" to her spells but not before she managed to create some excellent love spells and potions to cure snoring and insomnia. I suggest you follow the witch's example this month. Create some magic in bed.
Grumpy Ghost: August 23 – September 22
There is a race of giant, hairy spiders who live in caves deep in the bowels of the earth. They're extremely intelligent and quite evil. They've been plotting the destruction of all surface dwellers and plan to strike soon. But I digress. You need to stop biting your nails. It's disgusting.
Hanging Judge: September 23 – October 22
I have a confession to make. Sometimes I miss being worshipped as a god. It's literally been eons since the last time any humans believed that I was their almighty, but I still remember the ego boost I got watching them bow down to statues of me. Even hearing my name taken in vain made my day a little brighter. But I would never do it again. I discovered that people tend to lie to their deities. My flock exaggerated their love for me and did horrible things in my name. Even though I quit the god business, I occasionally find statues of me in antique shops and a version of my religion is still practiced in parts of Toledo, Ohio. This month, don't try to please any higher power than your own heart. Be good because it's good to be good.
Embarrassed Debutante: October 23 – November 21
We're all familiar with Scooby Doo. He and the gang always exposed monsters as nothing more than con men in disguise whose schemes would have worked if it hadn't been for those meddling kids. Have you ever wondered why Scooby Doo and the gang never found any real monsters? It's because they were paranormal creatures disguised as meddling kids. Shaggy was a werewolf in a same sex relationship with weredog Scooby. Velma was a witch. Daphne was a vampire and Freddie was her human slave. He wore the ascot to hide the bite marks she made in his neck. They never stayed in one place for fear that their secret would get out. They outed the con men because they were disgusted by people who pretended to be paranormal. And there's more. Ruh row, Zoiks, and Jinkies are actually paranormal words used to summon demons. I hope telling you all this didn't ruin any childhood memories of watching their cartoon adventures, but we all have to grow up sometime.
Talking Rabbit: November 22 – December 21
Zombies have formed a union and it's about damn time. They've been working for brains for too long. They need health insurance to help pay for limb reattachment and maggot removal. Lately, you've been acting like a zombie, slogging along in a deep funk. I'm hoping this is just a stage and you'll rejoin the living. But until you do, I suggest you join the union. No reason to go through this alone.
Angry Black Cat: December 22 – January 19
I have good news bad news for you this month. The bad news is an evil witch will turn you into a turkey. The good news is you’re the turkey the President pardons. You’ll get your picture in the papers posing next to Trump who will claim you are the biggest turkey that's ever been pardoned. Sure, it's a lie, but that's Trump. Sadly, the evil witch’s spell will wear off just as you’re telling the other turkeys about meeting Melania. You won’t be able to eat turkey at Thanksgiving because it will feel like cannibalism. Is this an allegory? No, just an interesting month.